Setting Boundaries Part II

Hello friends & guests!

Welcome to part two of establishing boundaries for yourself. Having boundaries is very empowering . It frees up your energy and de-stresses your time.

A component of strengthening your personal foundation is learning to establish boundaries for yourself.Last week we highlighted two specific areas; saying Yes when we really mean NO, and learning to set boundaries about over doing for others, that which they can do for themselves. When you come from a place of joy versus obligation the doing becomes pleasant.

This week’s newsletter is about being overly concerned with other people’s lives, whether it’s family, friends or children. Secondly we will highlight transference, and the effect this has on our energy.

There was a time in my life where I cared more about how others might view me as a person, parent, employee and friend. I placed greater value on other people’s perceptions of me more than I valued my own perception.

Two Examples:

A daughter was in high school and she received her report card with two B grades and three D grades. The mother was more troubled than the daughter was about the grades. Ignoring the two B grades on the report card, the mother went straight to the D grades and demanded to know what the daughter wasn’t doing in the D grade classes.

Getting great grades in school was important to the mom, she believed her daughter’s success or failure was a reflection of her parenting skills. (While there is a time for supporting learning for your children, and they need your support) , what the mother failed to recognize was the responsibility she had taken on for her daughter’s grades, good or bad.

In doing so, the mom took this responsibility squarely on her own shoulders. How quickly the daughter learned to rely on mom to help her remember to do her homework and going to great lengths to help her daughter study for tests, all the while thinking that there must be better grades in those three classes, next time. After all, what would it look to others if her daughter failed.

The mom connected her success or lack of success to her own personal success or lack thereof. She owned the issue of grade improvement and not necessarily shared by the daughter. The daughter willingly let her mom take on this responsibility. Wouldn’t you if you were the daughter?

Another example of a boundary-less situation might be when friends or family call you with a litany of complaints; issues with their relationships, work or otherwise and you endlessly listen and offer advice. You take on their problems in both the physical form of tension as well as thinking you need to take responsibility and provide the solution.

What most people don’t realize, what is really going on is something called transference. This pertains to the people who come to you wanting to transfer their problem to you, so you can hold it for them. It feels better, don’t you think, to have co ownership of a problem.

Their requests to you might be for you to hold on to their secrets, and not tell anyone, take their work woes and fix it for them or any number of means to transfer the issue they are facing to your shoulders.

You may think you can fix, mend, commiserate & advise, but then, you may notice nothing changes in their world as a result of all the energy you expended in  providing the answers. Oh, sure maybe they took your advice this time, but a similar issue will arise and they will be transferring something similar to you once more.

Both of these examples are very telling indeed. The pattern here seems like a boundary-less situation for you; where you feel required to fix, mend and take responsibility for others. Why does this happen?

Here are some thought starters you may want to review or maybe you would like to come up with a few that resonate with you.

• When you take responsibility for others transferred issues, successes and failures you don’t have to focus on your own issues, successes and failures. There isn’t time for you and them.

• Sometimes you relate other people’s successes and failures to validate your successes or failures.

• Sometimes it’s  about valuing other people’s perceptions over your own or your image to the exterior world. Giving power to others about your self-worth

• Sometimes you may think you have all the answers to other people’s problems or issues. Which is validation as the go-to-gal or guy, but at a repetitive cost to your time and energy.
  

How do you  begin to take less responsibility? How do you create a boundary around transference, over caring and over worrying about others?

By placing the responsibility squarely where it belongs, on the person who can be the most effective in solving their own issue, the other person.

One way to resolve this boundary-less situation might be to…

Use the tennis method, lob the problem back to them and over the net. Using a coaching technique of Asking instead of telling which might sound like this…

• What are you going to do about that?

• What have you thought of so far to resolve this?

• How would you prefer it to be?

• What is the consequence for not taking care of that now?

• If you could wave a magic wand, how would you prefer this situation to be?

• What needs to happen to change that for yourself?

• What do you think you need to do?

Great Big Benefits For All

When you engage other people in their own awareness about their challenges, you assist them at a greater level. They buy and own the solution, instead of buying and owning yours.

~You remind them that they have all the answers… and they do.

~You empower them and support them in solving their own challenges.

~They quickly learn to rely on you less to solve their  issues.

 ~You now have time to find solutions for your own needs and challenges.

~You will feel less stressed and more energetic.

~You can feel assured that others are now enabled to handle their own needs effectively.

ACTION STEPS- Try it out!

1) Close your eyes and imagine a circle around yourself. This circle represents your protective boundary. No one can enter this space unless you invite them in.

2) Practice the tennis technique with at least person. Lob their issue back to them by asking open ended questions. Avoid having the answers. Refrain from giving advice or solving the issue. In doing so, you will see that they begin to solve things for themselves & will better comply with their own solution.

3) Hold yourself accountable for setting these new boundaries.

Next Week the focus on Personal Foundation work is “Getting Clear of the Past” or taking care of unfinished business.

Freedom Life Coaching is dedicated to the forward movement of people towards living the life of their dreams as well as living to their fullest potential. Freedom life coaching has an opening for someone who is ready to discover the possibilities for life enhancement.

Contact me by visiting the contact page on this website.

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Time flies, it’s already been a week since the last newsletter post.  Last week this newsletter outlined the first step to strengthen your personal foundation. When you strengthen the foundation of your life, it becomes a more sustainable structure for building the walls of your life.  As promised this week’s topic is one I have had to develop personally and have experienced with clients.  A lack of boundaries, are a toleration and by establishing some for yourself you will There are so many examples of how a lack of boundaries affects you that I would need to write a book.  Since most of us have a limited amount of time I will laser in on two of the most common.

• SAYING YES WHEN I REALLY MEAN NO

• DOING FOR OTHERS WHO ARE MORE THAN CAPABLE OF DOING FOR THEMSELVES

Start by repeating this statement:

“I TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT ME.”

So the responsibility lies with you.  However, much of our lack of boundaries lies in your own beliefs, values and past, both socially and culturally.  Somewhere along our journey or path you have agreed to a set of rules that tell you we must behave in a defined way.

The good news is,you can shift your thinking; re-teach yourself and others how to treat you.  It begins and ends with taking a look at what you tell yourself.

YES, I MEAN NO

When you say yes to something that isn’t truly coming from a place of love but of obligation, it’s a drain.  How soon people realize that you are the yes person.  After you say yes, then you revert verbally or silently to regret.  We say yes because of those invisible laws & rules we have crafted, that dictate “how you should be”.  Maybe you say yes to be accepted, or needed.

TIP: To break the cycle of saying yes when you mean to say no, is to delay your response.  Giving yourself time to check with yourself prior to committing is an effective way to do a little heart check.  Usually 24 to 48 hours does the trick.

Another reason for giving yourself this room to think is to begin to teach others how to treat you.  When you allow time to think before committing, you have time to check in with your motivation for saying yes.  Again, if by saying yes is for any other reason than pure joy or heartfelt helping, delaying allows for examining that invisible set of rules you have made.  Be aware of the profound reaction you will get from the other party who is doing the requesting.  It’s OK, change is good.  The delay model will be totally out of character for you but will soon be accepted if you make this transition consistent.  People will soon realize they must respect that you may not always be available, and  they will respect your boundary.  The result is you will be empowered, by taking back your time, its yours to have.

EMPOWER OTHERS TO DO THE DOING

Over doing for family members or friends, who overly rely or who have become overly dependent on you can be a boundary-less situation as well.  Again, examining your list of invisible rules, the one’s you have made, would be the first order.

When you begrudgingly do for others what they can do for themselves, you may come to the conclusion that it’s about their lack of participation or their neediness, but is it?

If we overdo for others who are capable of doing for themselves, you teach them they aren’t capable.  You think you are helping, when in fact you are disenfranchising them.

Example: How one mother set a boundary

A college student goes out of state to school.  She discovers that her roommates are incompatible with her beliefs and expectations of how chores and groceries will be handled.  She contacts her mother multiple times a day with these complaints.  The mother tries to solve the problem by telling her what to do.  The next room mate problem arises, and the phone rings again, the same pattern of telling transpires, and this goes on and on.

The Mother believes she is helping her daughter to survive college life and feels good about being able to help.  Then the college student begins to realize that college isn’t high school and 100 word reports turn into 10 page reports.  The daughter now used to her Mother dropping everything to help, relies on her Mother to proof her papers. That would have been fine, except the proofing that the daughter expected her mother to do turned out to be a last minute affair, sometimes hours before the paper was due.  Again, the mother would drop whatever she was doing, but complained and argued with the daughter telling her this is not the way to complete her work, waiting until the last minute.

The mother proofs the paper, taking on the responsibility for her daughters lack of planning and for her pass or fail grade. The entire first year of college was a repeat of this pattern. Daughter calls, mother complains, does the work, daughter calls.

A boundary: Until… the mother decides that she’s solving her daughters problems and that this isn’t how she wanted their relationship to be.  The mother adapts a new policy (a boundary) and it went like this: ‘Lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine.’

The mother agreed to proof her daughters papers, but only if they arrived one day for every page of the paper.  A ten page paper would need a 10 day advance arrival.

Outcome: The daughter became very resourceful and in the second year of college has sent zero papers to proof.  The daughter resolved her lack of planning and also found a journalism student to proof her papers. The mother realized that she taught her daughter to treat her this way, and realized that it was her own need to be needed that allowed this pattern of behavior to continue.  Both the mother and daughter became empowered.

When you set a boundary by deciding what is acceptable for you to do, and what things you would be joyful and happy to assist with, on your terms, you empower yourself and the other person.

Sometimes you overdo for others because you think it’s easier to do it yourself, than to make a strong request for the other person to step up. The result is mumble and grumble and you get upset at the other person. I would have to ask you, how does this behavior serve either of you?

REPEAT: I teach people how to treat me.

Setting boundaries starts with a look at questioning the shoulds of your life as well as your list of rules you’ve made up for yourself, typically coming from past experiences, teachers, parents, cultural and societal. If the rules fit you and you aren’t grumbling, keep your list. If not, it’s time to write a new one.

ACTION PLAN

1. Say no at least once between this week and next, use the delay tactic if needed, for anything that is not done out of sincere joy.

2. Choose one thing you are presently doing for someone else that you are grumbling about and that they can do for themselves.  Have the conversation, or policy about your new boundary.  Don’t give in.

Next weeks Newsletter will cover BOUNDARY SETTING: Part Two

If you feel someone you know may benefit from the content of this newsletter, please share or direct them to the website at www.freedomlifecoachingcompany.com

Freedom Life Coaching Company is devoted to assisting people in quickly moving forward to living to their fullest potential. Coaching can be career, relationship or personal goal focused. I currently have an opening for a new learner. Get in touch by visiting the contact page on this website.

Freedom Life Coaching Company offers a one hour complimentary coaching session via phone to all newsletter subscribers. Have a great week!

The FLC Express

Last week’s newsletter covered one action step to strengthen your personal foundation.

By now you should have your list of tolerations.

To review action step one, visit the archived

newsletter for the topic on Personal Foundations.

One of the most profound things you can do for yourself is remove your tolerations. The point is to not just temporarily remove them, but create a permanent and sustainable removal. The benefits to permanently handle the things you put up with far out weigh any commitment you  must make up front to resolve them once and for all.

The list of tolerations you have prepared from last weeks newsletter, may range from unwanted clutter, chipped paint, an unkempt garden, a loose door knob, a messy car to larger tolerations such as interruptions, disruptions, unresolved business and disrespectful people or a lack of money.

Whatever you may be tolerating, it’s important to take ownership of your list. Ask yourself: Why am I putting up with this? What is the benefit to allowing these tolerations to continue?

Selecting Your Tolerations

Your list may seem daunting, but by looking at two or three of your easiest to resolve tolerations first, helps you to understand quickly what it means to resolve them.  Look at those things on your list that divert your attention, even for a moment.  The tolerations that make you sigh. When you sigh in the context of putting up with something, it’s a sign of a drain on your energy.

Taking your simplest two or three tolerations and then asking the tough questions of each of them, will be a great starting point. Above all be honest with your answers.

Creating a Toleration Free Vision

What would it be like to no longer have this drain on your energy? Close your eyes and imagine that the item you have selected as a toleration no longer zaps you. Write your vision down, include how you will feel to be rid of this toleration permanently. What impact will this have on me as well as others? Who do I have to be to make this a permanent toleration free item?

Strategizing and Planning in Advance

You know where you are today with your tolerations, now it’s time to strategize and plan. For each of the tolerations you have selected, ask a few questions of your self, (where it applies to your toleration).

Asking to Reveal:

• What boundaries need to be set?

• What conversations need to take place?

• What resources must I need to locate?

• What equipment or tools do I need to obtain to be able to eliminate this toleration?

• If I have to tolerate this what is required of me to no longer feel a drain on my time or energy?

• Do I need to lower or raise my standards in order to be free of this toleration?

By asking pertinent relevant questions helps start the wheels in motion and enables you to craft a plan of action. Feel free to add additional questions of each toleration. It helps to write down your answers because you are literally brainstorming on paper.

Once you have answered the tough questions, you are ready to set a date for implementation.

Example: With permission from one of my coaching client’s the following is his experience with tolerating procrastination and how he resolved one of his tolerations using this technique…

“I would procrastinate about anything that had to do with keeping things in an organized fashion.  One of my biggest concerns was my garage.  Since I work in the building trade it was important to locate tools and supplies in an efficient manner.

The drain on energy and time trying to locate a tool each time I needed it, would make me angry and frustrated. I was looking at what I saw has a monumental task. Instead of  figuring out a way to eliminate this toleration, procrastination would kick in and the frustration remained.

Through coaching, I answered the tough questions about the reasons I was putting up with this. By creating a vision for what it might feel like to no longer experience this kind of drain on my time and energy to realizing I really just needed to have more resources, better shelving, a design for more efficiency.  It didn’t seem so impossible. I put his plan in motion scheduling small deadlines for myself.  Thinking through the details in advance of implementing allowed me to actually get excited about the prospect of my vision.

That was a year ago.  I have a more than adequate handle on everything contained in my garage.  I have a commitment schedule for keeping it organized and have continued this process for a little over a year now.  I no longer spend time digging and searching for what I need.  What a relief to know, that what I need is right where it’s supposed to be.”

Make an Appointment with Yourself

Setting a date and an implementation time line is a great way to commit without getting overwhelmed.  Prior to tackling the toleration, having the tools, resources, conversation, boundaries defined.  Making design plans and purchases (where relevant) in advance of implementing has a greater success rate of permanence.  If you eliminate a toleration too quickly, it’s possible that in a week or two the whole toleration is back upon you once more.

A final step to putting your toleration removal plan to work, is a plan to maintain your new boundary, the new attitude you will have about a becoming toleration free, in short your system.

How will you manage going forward?

What agreements must you make to have your toleration gone permanently?

Finally, how will you hold yourself accountable?

Maintenance and Accountability

To ensure you are permanently removing your toleration it needs to become second nature. When you are able to implement your plan for three consecutive weeks or more and you are following your system as you have set forth, you can expect that the toleration will be removed.

Action Step Two /Recap

1. Select 2-3 tolerations that when handled quickly will give you back your time and energy.

2. Create a vision for yourself. Write it down.

3. Make an advanced plan or system. Ask the tough questions. Establish a time line and put in place the needed resources, plan the conversations, determine your boundaries, make an appointment with yourself

4. Hold yourself accountable to your action plan, or identify a trusted person who you could rely on to check in with you on your commitment to your plan.

5. Maintain your system or plan for at least three consecutive weeks, to establish your new system as a habit or way of life.

Next week’s newsletter will cover establishing personal boundaries.

Thank you for subscribing to this newsletter.  I appreciate your comments and questions.  If you would like to respond you may do so by posting  in the comment section below this newsletter.  You may also choose to respond by private email at sbirkam@gmail.com or Sue@freedomlifecoachingcompany.com .

If you feel someone you know may benefit from the content of this newsletter, please share or direct them to this website.

Freedom Life Coaching Company is devoted to assisting people in quickly moving forward to living to their fullest potential. Coaching can be career, relationship or personal goal focused.

Contact: Toll Free Voice Mail at 877.97Free1 or Locally (586) 855.0915

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THE FLC EXPRESS

Assisting with the ability to live to your fullest potential!

This week’s focus is on the groundwork of you.  It’s about a process of looking at the things that are getting in your way of living the life you truly deserve and want. It’s about creating a new mindset that will greatly benefit you, your work, and your relationship with yourself and others. This week we start with your Personal Foundation, which is the very core of you.

Building a strong Personal Foundation starts with defining it.

So, what is a personal foundation?

Your foundation consists of your values, beliefs, your code of ethics, how you view the world, your perception of others and of yourself.

When there are cracks in the foundation of any structure, it is difficult to build walls. You might make some progress, only to find that the walls start to crumble.

By looking at your personal foundation you can begin the process of repairing the cracks and build a sustainable structure.  When you have a strong foundation you are working from solid ground.  If you could think of  strengthening your foundation  as an investment with a pay-off  that earns you huge rewards.

So how do you know if you might be experiencing weak walls or cracks?

• When your life is oriented around other people’s values instead of your own

• When you allow others to drain your energy

• When you put up with  things and tolerate situations that drain your time and energy

• When you have personal needs that aren’t being met

• When you have allowed others to cross into your personal space because of a lack of boundaries

• When you put others self care before your own

• When you aren’t clear of the past

• When you lower your standards

• When everything is complicated

By strengthening your personal foundation, you will create a firmer ground as you move through the journey of your life.

Your pay-off :

Your priorities will change.

• You will weed out draining relationships.

• You will build better relationships and attract the kind of personal and business relationships you want and benefit from.

• You will have more energy.

• You will expect more of others and of yourself.

• Life will be simplified and less stressed.

Each weekly newsletter will  include an action that you can use to strengthen your personal foundation.

Action Step No. 1.

List your Top Tolerations’

A free guide to help you get started is available by visiting www.freedomlifecoachingcompany.com on the assessment page.

There is no charge for this assessment. It can assist you in developing your list, you may find your own among the 200 listed there.

Or you can simply start making your list on a piece of paper.

Take your time and be thorough. Your toleration’s can be as simple as loose door knobs, coffee stains on your desk, or chipped paint. It might also be much larger such as disruptions, people not respecting your time and space. Don’t leave anything out.

Next week, I will offer a framework for beginning to handle the toleration’s on your list.  Start thinking now, how you will hold yourself accountable for beginning to create a toleration free zone.

If you have comments or questions you may respond at the bottom of this newsletter or see contact information below.  If you would like to sign up for this newsletter and have it arrive in your mailbox each week, be sure to sign up here.

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Have a swell week!

The simplification of life is one of the steps to inner peace. A persistent simplification will create an inner and outer well-being that places harmony in one’s life.” ~ Peace Pilgrim

For Questions or Comments Call Freedom Life Coaching Company~ Toll Free Voice Mail 877.97FREE1(calls returned within 24 hours) Email sbirkam@gmail.com or Sue@freedomlifecoachingcompany.com