A few weeks ago, my sister posted old family  photos on Facebook.  There was a photo of my mother when she was thirteen along with a photo of my father and assorted other photos.  One of my cousins commented on the photo, she remembers my mother loaning her a coat and some gloves when she was a teen.  My cousin remarked that she still remembers how my mother told her not to be nervous going to the party and that she looked pretty.  My mother told her to be herself and all would work out.

When I saw this remark or comment on Facebook , I felt compelled to let my cousin know how precious this moment was.  I mentioned that I’m glad that she had that experience and wished that I had known my mother when she was healthy and able to uplift someone like that.  I also commented that I was unable to receive that kind of support, since my mother was ill during my childhood and there wasn’t any opportunity… being the seventh of nine children to have moments like that.  My mother was just plain too tired.

I also commented after a friend from high school posted her remark about my father’s photo.  She said that she remembered my Dad  was always nice to her.  I remarked after that comment that my father was nice to all my female friends. Which only really meant that he was tough on the male friends and dates that came over to pick me up.

After my two comments I received some messages from my sister’s husband of which who posted the photos.  My brother in- law  took offense to my comments and proceeded to lecture me on Facebook.  I read his comments and realized he had taken what I had said out of context.  My comments were not intended to offend him or my sister.  I was puzzled at the strength of his words in telling me I should respect my parents for their efforts in raising me.

Being lectured as an adult by another adult made my ego flare up, momentarily.  I am human after all.  I had some options, I could have been confrontational, sarcastic and rude and kept this banter going on and on in a public forum. We all battle our ego’s.  You better believe I did a good deal of grumbling to my self.  Some of these grumblings  included, how dare he scold me.  How would he know what my experience is with my parents?  Grumbling that I was simply responding to other people’s posts about the photo’s its not as if I just randomly said such things.  Then I had to look at how I let these words, these lecturing words bother me and why.

You see  he objected from his perception of my parents.  Often people want you to see things from their perception and will try to scold you into shame or control your thoughts and feelings.  Years ago I may have shot back with something sarcastic or taken offense at his tone and control.

Since I’ve studied the ego and the perceptions people have it has been easier to respond to verbal attacks and not take it personally. Realize people come from their own perspectives based on their beliefs.  Beliefs come from our ancestry namely parents, other adults and peers and its who we get most of our beliefs from.  My brother in-law and including my sister did not experience my parents quite the way I did so it would be true for them that they have a different belief system.  Who is wrong?  No one… we are both correct.

Even though he interpreted my comments incorrectly he assumed that I was making statements that were negative.  Assuming is another area that can get us into trouble, especially on social networking sites that leave a lot of room for interpretations.  My sister who was the third child can have a completely different experience than the seventh child might have.  Since she is 10 years my senior, she was already married and living out of our family home when I was 10 years old. What I experienced was measurably different than her so my perceptions of my childhood are mine and no one else’s.  There was no point in trying to argue my feelings and perceptions or theirs.

When we meet this type of attack in our day to day lives, whether its family or friends or social networking acquaintances, we can learn how to respond by honoring the other person’s perspective.  It doesn’t and probably won’t be exactly like mine or yours.  Since our beliefs are formed from different sources, how could we expect someone to think and react exactly the same?

All attack is from ego.  The ego serves us both positively and negatively.  The ego fights for its existence and nobody wins trying to fight someones ego.  Instead I answered the comments made with a question to clarify what my brother in law thought I meant.  When we clarify we are not assuming anything and have a much clearer understanding of the reason’s behind the attack.

It takes practice to come from this place.  The first place we typically want to go is reaction , our ego flares up and this is how misunderstandings prevail. By observing our own feelings and reactions first and questioning why this type of comment would disturb us in the first place is telling. Perhaps we haven’t fully forgiven someone, or maybe we need to look deeper.  If we have fully resolved the issue within us someone else’s comments or scolding wouldn’t have any affect whatsoever.

To disarm any potential attacks I suggest giving time before firing off a response whether it is through social networking or in person. Check in with yourself on how you might be perceiving the words and realize that they (the attacker) is right in that they are coming from their own beliefs.  To discredit them by firing attack words back is essentially telling them their belief system is wrong.  How would you know?  Its funny when you dissect things like this and it can truly make you laugh out loud.  When you do this you disarm any potential disagreement first from yourself and then outwardly with others.

If you tell the attacker that coming from their perspective they are right and that you too have a perspective that is also right can so dismantle the opportunity for disagreement. It will amaze you.  When I have suggested this to people that I have worked with their immediate response is that they don’t want to give up control and admit that someone might be right.  I say this is being more in control by not playing the battle of the will or ego.  You are in charge in this instance.  Its highly empowering.  Give it a try.  I would love your comments and feedback. Please accept this invitation for discussion.  Looking forward to your comments.

Subscribe to my quick reading weekly newsletter with actionable steps to overcome challenges and obstacles for living the life you desire and deserve. Visit the home page and scroll down to sign up.  Its free.  Newsletter subscribers always receive first notice on special programs as well as a no strings attached complimentary coaching hour via bridge line.  In addition… subscribers receive bonus self assessments on occasion when it relates to the topic at hand.

I’m resolving to be more attentive to my blog postings and website updates.  There, I said it.  When I make a commitment as wide spread as this one you can count on it.

I didn’t want to be typical and talk about New Year resolutions in the typical sense.  We all think about what changes we will make and what needs to happen to make life better, easier and simplified.  When resolutions come from only your perspective they work very well.  If they come from someplace else you are now entering the Land of Should…

Just for a moment I want to take you to a land in which we have all been or currently reside and that is the Land of Should.  If your resolutions take you to this land frequently and you reside there more of the time…please read on.

In the Land of Should the pasture is wide and endless, the streets circle back upon themselves and they never really quite go anywhere except back to the beginning.  This land has been built by well meaning other people, friends, family, neighbors, co workers, significant others, spouses and children.  It also was built by parents who are either alive or have long passed on.  You might be surprised that it is also built by the little voices that we listen to residing in our own mind.  Incidentally these chattering voices can come from the recordings received in our subconscious from any of afore mentioned people.  We can’t discount the effect of the contractors or designers which need to be included in the development of the land of should.  The architect’s and impact of this land includes the media and the messages we agree with.

The street signs in the Land of Should, are carved in a really nice font.  Beware however, as you travel this land that the street names change constantly, oh yes some remain the same but others are added frequently.  This creates confusion when traveling through the landscape of the Land of Should.

The street signs might read… I should lose weight, I should quit smoking, I should call my family more often, I should read more, I should exercise, I should sleep more, I should wake up earlier, I should find a new job, I should be more organized, I should go to church, I should clean my closets, I should eat better… the signs and signals are endless.

The buildings and homes in the Land of Should are very large.  So large that they sink in the ground just a little. The weight of the homes and buildings where all the Should’rs work and live are too heavy for the ground they are built upon.  The peculiar thing about each of these buildings is the addresses start with the words Guilt.  So a typical street address would look something like this: Guilt — I should get organized, Land of Should USA or you may fill in whatever country in which you reside.

As you are lazily driving here with me through the Land of Should, the radio is playing and it breaks for a commercial.  The announcer says “hey people of the Land of Should… how many times have you asked yourself today why should I?”  And more importantly, the announcer asks, “who’s should is it?”  If it’s your should and truly yours, why haven’t you?  Could you take your list of shoulds and turn them into ‘if I wanted to I could?’  If you truly can’t take ownership of your shoulds…should they be there at all?

I’m certain you’ve already resolved to change in 2010.  I urge you to move out of the land of should where the foundation is firmer the streets and directions are clear and you have a solid path for successfully living in alignment with your goals for a simple, fulfilling and happier life.  Just ask yourself the questions above when you either mentally, or verbally say “I should”.  When well meaning friends and family, co-workers and parents tell you, that “you should” let them know that you are eliminating the word from your vocabulary in 2010.  That also means that you too must stop imposing your “shoulds” on everyone else.  Your goals and resolutions have a far greater chance of success if you own them, rather than someone else.

As a coach I often hear the “I should” from client’s.  These statements never pass unchallenged.

If you or someone you know would like to move out of the Land of Should, you can contact me via the contact page on this website.  I have only a few openings for new clients this month.  Stay tuned for more postings, as I mentioned… I have committed to frequent postings.

My daughter was a young student of dance, voice & drama. She would be anxiously awaiting my arrival home from work so I could take her to her dance class. I had a mini-van, which the salesperson who sold it to me exclaimed it would seat seven passengers but had thirteen cup holders, best of all it had an automatic door opener. With just a push of a button the door would electronically open and at that time in my busy work life never needing to get out of my car to load a passenger seemed like a good idea.

On many evenings after a 45 minute commute home from work, I wouldn’t even put the car into park, hitting the electronic door button and yelling towards the door of my home, “get in, we are going to be late”. Still in my suit and pumps and having skipped lunch and now dinner, she could feel my tension. Trying to switch from director/manager to loving mother was more challenging then the deadlines I faced at the daily newspaper I worked for. Now, racing to dance class, the next thing on my list, and weaving in and out of traffic to make the class on time, didn’t provide for the Mother /daughter relationship moment I thought I was providing.

Any ambitious parent who works outside of the home, may not realize that the lines sometimes blur between who we are and what we do for a living. The price I paid for blurring the lines took its toll on my family, relationships, my health and my mind.

As a major offender of blurring the lines I defined myself as a Marketing, Promotions and Sales Director, the one who won contests, exceeded company objectives, earned career advancements and raised children. I was the epitome of the saying "all work and no play". I convinced my self I was sacrificing now by working hard and earning money so my children could have and do things their peers were able to have and do.  However in order to keep up the abundant work schedule and quality relationships with friends, family and children there would have needed to be two of me.

The two of me would have included the mother who was warm, caring and had time for long conversations, listening, quality time, self care and play and the one who could problem solve, create budgets, hire train and treat  customers as if they were your close family. Alas there was only one of me. The one who managed her home and family the same as she ran her career. On the clock, on the agenda, on task, on deadline, no excuses, no time for casual conversations with friends, of course no personal calls at work and the list goes on.

Mornings were a regimen of hurry and eat your breakfast, I can’t be late, chew faster, your taking your time and you need to hurry, grab your backpack I’ll be waiting in the car, what do you mean you need your report card signed we are already in the car, why didn’t you give that to me last night?

Evenings were similar, do your homework, lets go, lay your clothes out for school, eat your dinner you have to study for that test yet tonight and practice your dance steps. I have laundry and weeding and a presentation to finish for tomorrow, I can’t take you to your friends house after school.

Weekends were full of the things that didn’t get done during the week, grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry and meal planning for the coming week. Work didn’t stop and work didn’t begin, it was work, work work 7 days a week.

Is any of this sounding familiar yet? We live in a world where we set the bar high, never schedule down time for the simple the uncomplicated the quiet. Then we send our children to school having experienced this pace their whole lives and expect them to sit in a chair for 6 or more hours a day and pay attention (that’s another blog for another time)

Beam me up Scotty

Once while driving home from work, I sat at a traffic light. At some point before the light turned green, while waiting, I had disappeared. When I came back to my conscious mind I found myself driving on a road and unbelievable as it may seem, couldn’t figure out where I was. It took a few minutes to realize that I had driven west of where I was headed and it scared me.

I would have had to make a left hand turn without consciously doing so. I called my husband and daughter to let them know I would be home shortly. I told them what happned, I laughed, sort of and said I apparently had gotten “beamed up Scotty”. The price paid for blurring the lines is the conscious mind disappears sometimes and very robot like ,we do respond and react to the circumstances of our life much of the time in dream state.

When corporate restructuring came to visit my company, a crossroad appeared before me. I had devoted my life to this organization for over 20 years. As you have read, I had a great work ethic, working sixty plus hours each week which made it difficult to have the energy for anything more than my job.  My new job under the restructuring plan would force me to travel out of state weekly. My daughter then 14, would be left on her own much of the day. There would be many arrangements to be made including new responsibilities placed on her step-dad such as leaving work early to get her to her dance classes and other school activities, homework and social time with her friends.

The Dream

During the corporate restructuring and having this prey on my mind like a presidential debate, hashing the pro’s of this and the con’s of that. In the midst of all the mind chatter, one evening I had a dream.

I had a dream I was leaving work for home. As I walked the block or so to the parking lot, I noticed one of my co-workers walking on the opposite side of the street. (This woman, my co-worker Andi, in my non dream state was a part time worker. She had always posed a threat to my position in that she had similar experience as me, and in her part time hours, it was my perception that she wanted my job.)

She was walking a Great Dane in my dream, having difficulty holding onto the dog on the leash. She lost control of the leash with the gigantic dog and he crossed to my side of the street. I quickened my pace to get to my car and almost reaching the door of my vehicle the dog jumped on my back, paws on my shoulders. I tried to shake the dog free of me and wasn’t able to get the dog off my back so I could get in my car and go home. After several attempts I was able to shake the dog off, and when I turned around to see where the dog had gone, I saw him standing in the parking lot. On his back was my 14 year old daughter. She was wearing a white cotton gown, her long hair spilling over the dog as she was slumped over this Great Dane, as a rider on a horse.

The dog turned and ran with my daughter on his back. There was a sense of danger for my daughter and suddenly I wasn’t chasing the dog, but rescuing my daughter. He ran towards the building of my work. I chased the dog, running as fast as I could, but in my dream I never caught the dog or my daughter…and I woke up.

I’ve never had a dream that upon awakening, I knew exactly what the dream meant. I knew with certainty the dog was my job. I knew that if I chased the dog, I would lose my daughter. Perhaps the loss wouldn’t be in the physical sense, but a loss that I could never get back, a loss of opportunity to build the kind of relationship based on love, attention, time and play not material things.

My decision was made that day. I resigned from my position.  For a few years after that it took some time to get my health back. Little did I realize the toll it had taken on me physically. My body decided that it didn’t understand rest, so when I finally slowed down, illness came to visit me. (another blog entirely)  We learned to live with less material things for a while. I always knew I made the right choice. My older children who were out of the house by them, told me that they liked me better now then then. I seemed happier, more peaceful and as a result we were able to build a better relationship.

Sometimes we blur the lines between what we do and who we are as people. We assume we must run our lives, much like we run our careers, business. Is it possible to work and be who we are? The answer is yes. Becoming aware has a lot to do with the ability to separate between earning a living and living to earn.

The outcome

My 14 year old is now twenty years old, tomorrow July 3rd. I am so proud of her. She enters her Junior year of college at Columbia College Chicago. At age 16 she became involved in learning about the environment. At age 17 as a result of an essay, earned a trip to George Washington University, all expenses paid with thousands of others, mostly college age students selected to learn about environmental issues, how to speak to congress and put together teams to present ideas on saving endangered rain forests. Her degree field is in Performance Art Management. Her goal is to produce environmentally friendly festivals and events and to give back to the earth.

My son is a talented illustrator and animator, finishing his degree at College of Creative Studies. He is the owner of Detroit Roots, a full service design company. My oldest daughter is married and the mother of my two precious grandchildren and works in the medical field.

After recovering from my illness. I found a path that allowed me to share lessons learned. I became a trained Life Coach, working as a solo-preneur and loving every minute of life. Freedom Life Coaching Company is the name of my business, where I help people to live to their fullest potential, live to maintain balance, creativity and strong relationships both personally and professionally.Your comments are always welcome and encouraged. I would love to hear your thoughts. If you would like to contact me or communicate privately you may do so by visiting the contact page at www.freedomlifecoachingcompany.com

Have a blessed life, its always within your reach!

Are you truly listening or do you simply hear?

It has always been my observation there is a common thread amongst most people. Most people just want to be listened to. Would you agree?

Perhaps the knack for becoming a good listener stemmed from being the seventh of nine children. Now that I’m older and a parent of three adult children, I can understand that it would have been difficult to listen to that many children at the same time. Having the feeling of not being listened to was the motivator to become a better listener. Does that make sense?

But how much listening do we really do? Sometimes you might confuse listening with hearing. You can say, “I hear you”, but many of us have trouble with truly listening. So what is the distinction between listening & hearing?

Since I’ve been able to improve my listening skills, I notice when others are truly listening to me. Often I notice other people may hear the first three words of what you are saying, and then they begin to revert to their own minds to begin thinking about their reply, before you’ve finished talking. Have you ever noticed that in a conversation?

As a coach, the number one responsibility I have to my clients is to listen. To be an observer of pitch, tone, body language and even silence, yes even silence speaks louder than words.

Can we listen all the time? I’s not possible to be truly there every moment of every day and available to listen to everyone. It might be slightly energy draining to always listen. There are times when hearing is enough.

The distinction to listen or hear presents itself all of the time. Sometimes someone needs just a sounding board and hearing is enough, sometimes they need something more. The opportunity to hear or listen presents itself in our daily lives; the trick is to know when it’s important to truly listen.

Listening is a skill you can learn

Like any skill, where there is a desire to learn or improve you can become be a skilled listener. There have been several different studies on how we communicate, indicating that if people are totally harmonious at the time of communicating, In their interaction fifty-five percent will consist of body language, thirty-eight percent of their communication will be tone of voice and a mere seven percent is actual words.

When you incorporate sight, sound and intuition into how you listen, you are listening, and you are listening beyond words. Your comprehension for the essence of the conversation will be greater and your peak listening skills will teach you so much about the other person, more than mere hearing will.

To truly listen, it’s important to remain curious and without an agenda. You must have the time to listen and you must be fully present to the other person. Realize that silence between communications allows for words to land. I don’t know about you, but prior to improving my listening skills, I thought every moment of communicating with someone needed to be filled with sound. I’m here to tell you, let the words land for a moment and create the space for the other person to feel truly understood. How does becoming a better listener enhance your life, relationships and career?

Imagine for a moment that you have the floor at an event. Everyone there is in attendance to listen to what you have to say. There is full presence in the room and all eyes are trained upon you. The room is totally silent and you have everyone’s rapt attention.

How would this feel to know that you are being listened to without judgment, agenda or filters, you can just speak and the others are drinking in your words, body language and  pace.

Contextual listening is the skill of listening that can tell you so much. When you contextual listen you can hear the slowing or quickness of the speaker, the emphasis that the speaker places on certain words can be very telling, and sometimes it’s not what they are saying, but what they are not saying that really tells the story. This is helpful in many types of relationships, with client’s, children, spouses and potential prospects for business.

If you could listen contextually with your children, you will hear their passion for certain subjects as well as their disdain. You would be able to tell whether they broke the prized vase, or without them telling you straight up, you would know that they knew who did break it. With your clients you may hear “no, I don’t want your products.” However, if you contextually listen to their tone and which words they emphasize it will indicate whether they don’t want your products now, or if they don’t want your products ever. The emphasis and tone will be clear to you if you truly listen. When you listen it will invite you to explore further or leave the matter alone.

As a trained life coach I am devoted to the forward movement of people toward living the life they desire. I have an opening for someone ready to discover their passion, willing to remove obstacles in their path, or who may want an objective listener. Contact me at www.freedomlifecoachingcompany.com and visit the contact page.

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If you would like to comment or respond, I welcome your input. Please share your comments at the bottom of this blog.

Until next time!

Is it your time to redefine?

I’ve been thinking about the bigger picture as it relates to our current economic situation. When I think about money, I think about who created it in the first place. I started thinking about this life as a dream, and money as an illusion of that dream.

So if money is an illusion, then how could we change the way we think about it?  My thoughts take me to the universe or our creator.  Whatever your thoughts about the universe or our creator are, could you consider this time be our opportunity to redefine what is truly abundant in our lives.

Yes, I do think of this as an opportunity.  Perhaps our current economic situation is perfect and what is needed to bring balance back into our lives, providing us with an opportunity to define ourselves in a new way.

For each one of us abundance means something different.  For some it could be the eternal search for external things we can have, own and buy.  Maybe we’ve become really attached to those things and are on a quest for more. Always searching for that moment in our lives that tells us we have arrived.

Once we get there, to the mountain top of arriving, do we begin to look for the next set of things that will tell us we have arrived.  Do we tell ourselves when we have this or that, I can say I’m there?  Where is there, and what does that look like?

If money is an illusion, aren’t the external things we think we need to have, an illusion as well.  For some of us we are truly abundant when we are grateful for our friends, family and children and our lives are full of purpose.  For others abundance is defined as living to others expectations instead of our own.

Things have been out of  balance for years leading up to now.  We’ve over worked, over sacrificed and over spent. Consider the possibility that this moment is perfect to force us to redefine what it truly means to be abundant.  Making us all  take a look at what we are attached to and why, how it has served us to this point and how might we proceed differently.  I liken it to being hit on the head with a proverbial 2 x 4.

Some of us ignored the intuition, that inner voice that nagged within us telling us we don’t need that extra big screen TV or those additional $300.00 handbags.  So what do we do now, with this marvelous opportunity to redefine our lives?

Maybe it’s time to look at our values, become creative thinkers, uncover lost passions and align them with purpose. Take a transformational approach allowing for the redefinition of what is truly meant by being abundant. Redefine your life for greater satisfaction.  Listen to your inner voice or intuition, there is a clear message being given, we just need to hear it.

Your comments and insight are welcome here.  Leave your ideas on this subject by going to the comment area on this website. If you feel someone you know would benefit from this information, please share.  I have an opening for a new learner. Someone would like to redefine abundance and align passion with purpose to arrive at their mountain top. Contact me via the toll free number on the contact page at  www.freedomlifecoachingcompany.com, via email at Sue@freedomlifecoachingcompany.com .

Until next time…

I wanted to share with you a quote that made me think about enthusiasm and what it is that we are really after in our lives.  The quote gave me an ah-ha moment, not because I thought otherwise, but because it really drove home a point that I may have lost sight of and think maybe many of you have lost sight of this too!  So here is the quote:

“We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about.”

Charles Kingsley

This quote got me thinking about all the things I have been enthusiastic about in my life.  There are many.  From landing a job in my early twenties that I patiently waited (um well maybe not patiently) to hear if I was chosen for the position to much further back to kindergarten and winning the whole school’s hobby contest.

What I remember most is the “doing” part of each experience, not necessarily the actual experience.  Interviewing well for the job interview, following proper interviewing protocol by sending a thank you letter (with enthusiasm), following up multiple times, giving the proper amount of space between calls so as not to look to overly enthusiastic.

Another standout enthusiastic moment is when I ambitiously got an idea to produce and direct a play (Shakespeare) for the entire school at age 11.  I was so enthusiastic about the process from selling the idea to the teacher, then to the principal and gaining their approval to have the play performed in the gymnasium in front of the whole school.  The greatest enjoyment came from the selection of the actors (some arm twisting was involved) , scheduling the rehearsals, gaining volunteers for constructing the construction paper props as the budget to produce the play was zero.

What I distinctly remember is being enthusiastic about the production, practice and directing others and not necessarily the outcome . What I vaguely remember is the play itself turned out to be a little dry, most of my fifth grade peers couldn’t pronounce the words and due to that our audience couldn’t understand much at all.  These were some of the happiest memories of my life.

Which brings me to a revelation.  Are we all too hung up on getting to something and missing out on the enthusiasm of doing?  Where did our enthusiasm go from then to now and how do you get it back?  How can we retreat from arriving at luxury and comfort to becoming enthusiastic about the journey?

Revisiting the times of enthusiasm gave me a new perspective especially now in times of uncertainty.  I shared these thoughts with clients, family and friends and I received nods of agreement.  I invite you all to revisit enthusiasm and mentally list your happiest moments by recalling that lively feeling.  Were you most happy when you arrived at your destination or the adventure of getting there?  Retaining enthusiasm in all I do is my top goal for this year and beyond.

What are you enthusiastic about today?  How can you apply enthusiasm in your life to return to happier living?  Leave your comment to this blog by choosing the comment tag below.  I would be very interested in your input on this topic. Please feel free to share this information with others you feel would benefit.

I am seeking a new learner who is interested in getting back their enthusiasm for life.  If you or someone you know might benefit from personal coaching, please contact me Sue Birkam at www.freedomlifecoachingcompany.com by visiting the contact page.

Very enthusiastically yours!